


bandaid fix

by orphan_account



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: M/M, definitely a little on the unhealthy side, nothing bad happens but its not exactly fluffy, set after the good end tabris battle in the NGE2 game, warnings for suicidal idealisation/paranoia/self hatred/more info inside
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-07 21:36:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16416413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Shinji spends a night dealing with the emotional and internal consequences of convincing Kaworu to live.





	bandaid fix

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is set post the NGE2 Tabris Battle good end (if you haven't played it, essentially Shinji talks Kaworu out of dying. Translation [here](https://youtu.be/XI0nY2NYpZg) if you're interested.)  
> \- Warnings for allusions to potential death, suicidal idealisation, paranoia, very much unfiltered self-hatred. Written in third person but basically Shinji POV.  
> This is all over the fucken place and I haven't written anything in two years so it's probably shit! sorry!

 

That day had been a rollercoaster of complex and unrealized emotions, and as day turned to night and night turned to early morning, it didn't feel like it was getting any better.

Shinji had spent the last three hours or so watching, no, monitoring, Kaworu, who had said uncharacteristically little since they had returned from the headquarters. In fact, neither of them had really spoken. There was nothing more to be said, not yet, and not so soon. So, nobody spoke, and they sat in a heavy and suffocating silence.  
At some point during, Shinji had mustered up the energy to tell Kaworu he was going to bed. That meant they both were, as per the agreement reached earlier. Even if it was just a temporary lapse in judgement, Kaworu had proven himself untrustworthy. He had to be surveiled. By someone who had no intention of hurting him, at least. Shinji wouldn't do that. The people who were "meant" to be looking after the boy, he wasn't so sure. Misato hadn't come home yet. Thankfully. He knew her reality well by now. She probably wouldn't be as kind.  
They had settled in around two hours ago, but as usual, the restlessness of Shinji's mind kept him awake far longer than he would have liked. Even without the constant of his SDAT (which was currently sitting on his bedside table, within arm's reach if he needed it,) everything felt so loud and unremitting.  
The boy who lay next to him was turned away. Presumably he was asleep.  
Did angels need to sleep?  
Shinji took a moment to remind himself that, regardless of what _angels_ might need, Kaworu has a human body with equally human needs he has to maintain. He mentally scolded himself for alienating the other boy, even if he couldn't hear it. For a second, he wondered just how often he was alienated by whoever the hell it was that had kept him for the past fifteen years. Kaworu was, by all accounts, a normal human boy to anyone unsuspecting, and probably could live as one if he wanted to. Why was he so fast to exclude himself from the rest of humanity? Does it matter if he isn't a "lilin"? He still hadn't stirred.  
Deciding it was probably better to just leave that thought as it was, he rolled over and closed his eyes. It felt like an eternity before he managed to fall unconscious.  
A hundred horrible potential scenarios flashed through Shinji's mind in what felt like mere seconds after he had finally drifted to sleep. Imagery of bloodsoaked hands and the lingering feeling of a dying heartbeat melted into terror and fear and destruction and existing too much and not at all at the same time. Awake and alert he was again. Kaworu hadn't moved but Shinji became all too aware that he _could_ if he wanted to and although he doubted his capacity to fall asleep again, the possibility was there that the other boy could disappear whenever he went unconscious and never return.  
Shaking arms found their way over pale skin and orange fabric and before Shinji could realise what self-imposed boundaries he had just crossed, he was sobbing tearless into the back of Kaworu's neck. A slight tensing was enough to let him know the older boy wasn't asleep, but he wasn't in the emotional position to be getting anxious and retracting physical contact at this point.  
'Shinji-kun,' Kaworu spoke, softly, more as an acknowledgement than a beginning.  
Shinji responded by curling against him further.  
The two of them lay there for a few minutes, silent apart from the younger's unsteady breathing.  
'Please don't leave me,' and he gripped tighter. He knew it was pointless. If he wanted to, Kaworu could just ask him to get off and he'd obey. He was too weak, too vulnerable, and too willing to play into his own self-fulfilling prophecy that he would let the other boy go without a fight now, if that was what he desired. But nevertheless, Shinji knew himself to be selfish, how he so openly indulged in his emotions in that moment. He was a coward, pleading with someone who so calmly and happily flirted with death to stay alive for him because he valued his need to feel love over the other boy's longing for freedom. How despicable. He was doing nobody a service but himself when he asked Kaworu to return with him instead of dying. Kaworu deserved everything good in the universe, certainly not worthy of the suffering of being alive, and Shinji knew he would never be as good a person as him, and would never be within his means to dictate the other boy's life.  
In a moment of silence from his train of relentless thought, Shinji became aware of movement. Upon looking up, wide and troubled blue was met with warm, soft, welcoming red and he felt like all of the kindness in the world had been reincarnated into a single human being and somehow, someone as disgusting as him had earned the right to be gazed upon by it. _A mistake must have been made somewhere,_ he thought,  _I could never deserve this._  
Delicate fingers brushed Shinji's cheek.  
'I betrayed your trust, and I don't blame you if you hate me, you know.'  
Kaworu finally spoke, and Shinji couldn't even bring himself to acknowledge how ironic he felt that statement to be. At least this was reassuring in a sick and twisted way; Kaworu didn't hate him, Shinji wondered if he was even _capable_ of hate, but he thought that there was a chance that he was the hated one instead, as if _he_ was the one had done anything wrong and not Shinji. Ragged breathing found a more comfortable pace but with temporary relaxation the contact of skin became amplified and Shinji realised he was deeply scared. And conflicted. He had to pull away, he was crossing a line, but if he was to do that then Kaworu would be able leave.   
Ever apparently omniscient, Kaworu noticed the tension in Shinji and filled the silence in his place.  
'I am deeply sorry, Shinji-kun. I can't say anything to make up for it.'  
A while passed before anyone said anything further. Shinji didn't have the energy to tell Kaworu why it was pointless to apologise.  
'I want you to know how much you matter to me, as I fear my actions may have made you doubt that. Perhaps, you'd let me show you.'  
Shinji had a feeling, one he wasn't planning to acknowledge any time soon, that he knew what that meant. Reluctantly, he looked back up at Kaworu again, and suddenly soft lips met, and all of the emotion he had been holding in came rushing out in a wet stream down his cheeks. The kiss was broken quickly; Shinji drew back to catch wavering breath and found himself tasting salt instead of air, his crying growing stronger when the reality of what had just occurred set in. It didn't matter that it had only lasted a mere moment, in fact, that was probably the best outcome as it stood; that was not only a clear, unquestionable confirmation of everything Kaworu had told and promised to him up until then but also an honest and nonthreatening action of physical kindness, certainly the deepest he had ever experienced from another human being. This was nothing like the emotionlessness of his last time. Tears stained the fabric of the pillow underneath them and Kaworu smiled gently. There was no ulterior motive in what he had done, no impatience in that smile and no expectation or disappointment in the air. It was intense, moreso in hindsight than in the fleeting moment. Shinji had no idea if he was ready for that but he supposed there was no fighting what had happened. Kaworu had acted honestly. It wasn't unwelcome. It would just take a long time for Shinji to get used to it, if it were to happen again. If it could happen again.  
'I hope that I did not overstep a boundary, Shinji-kun. Please tell me if you would like me to try again.'  
There was no point in holding back any longer. Shinji's face slid down and against Kaworu's chest, grappling and wailing as he finally broke down. If he had misspoken or been a second too late or a little too obedient, the other boy would be dead, or worse. He was so confused. There was clearly something wrong with Kaworu for volunteering for death so complacently, but Shinji knew deep down that if he wasn't so afraid he would be in the same position. Maybe losing Kaworu would have been the push he needed. And yet everything here felt so domestic to him, as foreign as it was, and that was enough to ground him again. Shinji's desires for love and affection were finally being realised, even if it was at the expense of experiencing a suicide attempt. It wasn't the only thing, but surely a big part of the value Shinji placed on Kaworu's life came due to the promise of emotional intimacy. That thought manifested a pang of guilt in his stomach. _Selfish. Again._ It never changes. He cuddled tighter against the other boy.  
'Kaworu-kun,' and he broke his unannounced vow of silence.  
'Yes?'  
He sniffled, and wiped the tears from his eyes. Soft fingers threaded through his hair.  
'I think I love you.'  
They paused, but just for a moment.  
'And I'm sorry I didn't say that earlier. You could have...died, without knowing.'  
Shinji heard a long sigh come from the other boy. Not upset, not relieved, thankful? Content? It took too long to register, and Shinji was terrified he'd said something he shouldn't.  
Kaworu responded after a while. 'Is this the future you spoke of wanting us to see together?'  
'No, it...it isn't. Not yet, anyway.'  
"Not yet," he knew, was presumptuous. No, it was narcissistic. He shouldn't be so sure of himself. Kaworu could reject him or leave at any time and there was nothing he could do about it. Maybe that would be for the best. For both of them. Of course it would be for Kaworu, who would no doubt benefit from being as detached from Shinji as possible. He was probably asking that because he was disgusted at Shinji's selfishness, that he had found out "the future" promised to him so ambiguously was something concocted entirely to fulfil Shinji's desires. And once the other boy drifted off, he would leave, and he would die hating Shinji, exactly what Shinji wanted, and be one with the happiness of freedom and eternity. But then, he spoke.  
'I think I would like it to be.'

And when that was decided, everything was fine, if just for a moment.


End file.
